Its just not working...as usual.

If you don't want to hear a bunch of explatives and a debbie downer post, I'd suggest you stop reading now. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.

Earlier in the week I was down 2 lbs. Today I'm back up 3. It makes me feel like everything I'm doing is worthless...once again. Ok, so I suppose my first problem is that I weigh myself daily. I know, I know...I'm not supposed to do that. But it's like an obsession with me...

I know I have to get to the gym. The tentative plan is start that this coming week.

It's hard though, you know? When you feel like nothing is working...to make that extra step to go to the gym. I've been here before...so I add going to the gym. Still nothing changes, and I'm back to square one, sitting here fat, upset, disappointed...

Told you I was going to be Debbie Downer. I warned you. Don't blame me.

Ok. I had my pity party. Part of my new transformation is trying not to let it get to me. So pity party thrown. It went pretty well, as most of my parties do.

Now, I'll go have some Special K and keep at it. At least for now.

Avoidance

I've been avoiding you. Yes, you. A little to the left. Yeah you.

After my last post, I was pretty discouraged. Alot of you had very encouraging things to say though. And it helped...but only a tiny bit. Now there, there...it's not a reflection on you. It's a reflection on how I absorb things and how messed up I really am.

I'm still pretty discouraged. But I'm still working on my food choices and, for the most part, making good ones. I think what I have to work on next is my eating schedule and then exercise. I don't have time to eat breakfast until I get to work...so breakfast has to be something I can take with me. Lunch is ok because I can get a salad from the cafeteria. Dinner is a whole different animal. And not the tasty kind either.

I LOVE to cook. I love to make up my own recipes. And I'm actually pretty good at it too. The problem is I'm SO exhausted when I get home from work, I usually change into my PJ's and head right for the couch with no dinner at all. Unless its cereal or pizza.

I said I wasn't going to make excuses anymore, so I know this has a lot to do with habit and with laziness. But I'm not going to discount my health either--it's really hard when that big knit thyroid monster is punching your thyroid every day and causing you to want to sleep 23 out of 24 hours of the day.

I think maybe if I start to change my habits, the rest will slowly come. It's the same with exercise (what a damn dirty word that is). I know once I get to the gym I will start to feel better. It's just a matter of doing it.

The reason I haven't yet is because I am scared of failing. Every time I've done this in the past, I've done the diet and the exercise and thrown it all at myself on one day. ABRACADABRA!

And then what happens? The rabbit doesn't come out of the hat. The lady actually gets sawed in half. It's too much and I give up.
I don't want that to happen again so I'm hoping taking it in pieces will help. You know. Pieces. Like the lady that got sawed in half.

The end of week one....

Has brought no results. How frustrating. I thought I did really good with my food choices this week, and because of that, I guess I was expecting to see at least ONE lb of weight loss. What I DID see is zip, zilch, nada, and nothing.

How can I not think this is a pointless waste of time?

My mom and her friend are joining Weight Watchers this week. Its free registration and she asked me if I wanted to join.
Yes, that's exactly what I want to do, is sit in a meeting with a bunch of other fat people and discuss my weight and why I'm over eating...sounds thrilling.

I also feel like I've tried this all before. I've tried every diet there is in the book and yet here I sit.

The only change right now is I'm not giving up. I know it sounds like I am, but I'm not. Usually at this point in the "cycle" I do the "what's the point" speech and go find some ice cream.

Instead, I ate some Special K and I'm joining Weight Watchers on Wed. Fatties Unite.

Annnnnd there it is

Hello laziness and demotivation! How was your vacation?

Look at that. It took me less than a week. I still WANT to do all those things I said before...but I also want to lay on my couch and eat bon bons.

Actually...I'm doing what I always do...looking for the easy way out. Wondering if my insurance would cover bariatric surgery. Wondering how bad would liposuction and a tummy tuck REALLY hurt? I mean come on, people do it every day...it can't be THAT bad, right?

Here's the thing. As long as we're being honest with each other. I really hate exercise? And this isn't like a "Booo I just dont wanna type of thing". This is a "I despise, with every ounce of my being, I would rather stick a hot fork in my eye, pull out my hair piece by piece, and then drink motor oil than exercise" type of thing. So this is why I always look for the easy way out.
People always tell me, "Just look for something you like to do. Go for a swim, go for a walk". Yeah no. There is no such thing as an exercise I LIKE to do. If it involves sweating, I'm out, cub scout. You see my dilemma.

This is why I'm focusing on eating habits right now. Because I'm building up to the exercising thing. And so far, so good. I've been doing really good on my eating all week and even though I had a desperate, kill someone craving for ice cream, I ate chocolate special K and it did the trick.

So right now, I'll just pretend the gym isn't quite ready for me yet. And ask you to pray for my soul.

One day down...the rest of my life to go...

Today has been a much easier day than yesterday. I feel less famished, which is a good thing.
What has NOT been good is when I weighed myself this morning I was up 3 lbs from yesterday. Now I know that can't be "real". And I know weighing yourself every day is not good.

Have I mentioned I'm slightly OCD? I am. I check the knobs on the stove every morning, full well knowing I didn't cook a damn thing. At Christmas time, I put my presents in a pile seperated from everyone else so that nothing gets mixed up. And I weigh myself daily. (Ok...I might be more than slightly OCD. I may be full blown crazy, but let's keep that between you and I).

Despite the obnoxious fact that I was up 3 lbs from yesterday, I LIKE seeing the numbers on the scale move. Hopefully from here on out, they will be in the OTHER direction. Even if it's only ONE pound, I like seeing those numbers move and seeing that I made some progress, even just a little.

On a side note, the lastest episode of the Biggest Loser premiered last night. As much as I hate that show, I still watch. (Again, crazy pants).
I hate the fact that they show someone losing 29 lbs in one week. (It may be that I am slightly jealous that I can't lose 29 lbs in one week.) But, I don't care how big you are, that's not healthy. Not only that, but that show is such a sham. If I had the time to work out 6 hours a day, you bet your butter covered popcorn I could lose 29 lbs in a week too.

Addictive Personality

I think I have one.

There was a time about a year ago, that I started going to the gym 6 days a week. I pretty much changed one addiction for another one. I mean it was great-I lost 16 inches in 6 weeks. And I did feel better. But is it healthy to substitute one addiction for another? I'm not going to pretend to know the answer to that. And I'm not going to pretend to know the answer to why I do that. If I think about it, it makes my head hurt. And it kind of makes me sad.

I think eventually, I'm going to have to get to the root of that problem. For now, I suppose exercising instead of overeating isn't THAT terrible.

When I think about that period, the one thing that sticks out to me is why I stopped. I gave up because I didn't lose a single pound. Yes, I lost inches. But not even ONE pound. It was demotivating not to see the scale move. People said I was trading fat for muscle, which in the grand scheme of things, is great. However, when you weigh over 200 lbs how is it possible that you don't loose a single pound? It honestly doesn't make sense to me. I wish I had an expert to answer that question for me.

I told myself I was going to start exercising today. I'm not. But I'm not going to call it a failure. Because making little changes is going to help me reach my long term goal. Today I've had lots of fruit and yogurt. And at lunch I'm going to have a nice big salad. I've started to change my eating habits. How can I call that anything but a success?

What did I get myself into?

As I woke up this morning, the adrenaline is gone. In its place is fear.
I woke up this morning exhausted as usual. And the first thought was HOW am I going to start hitting the gym tomorrow?

My thyroid is so out of wack and no one can get it under control. The mass on my thyroid is continually growing. And the little thyroid monsters attacking my thyroid are on all the time. (On a side note, is it strange that I picture this guy inside me punching my thyroid every day?)



This leaves me wanting to do nothing but sleep all the time. It's all I can do to make it through a day of work, much less go to the gym after work.

But then, since I'm all of a sudden about reality, I realized I was making excuses. I know I won't be able to do two hours of cardio starting out. Maybe I'll only be able to do half an hour. But that half an hour is better than nothing. And will lead to more. And will make me feel less tired. And maybe...just maybe...I can get that weird looking knit thyroid monster under control.

First post of the New Year and New Journey

I'm tired of cropping my photos. Random way to start a weight loss blog, you say? Not really, if you think about it.
I'm tired of angling the camera to make my face less chubby. I'm tired of trying to hide behind people in photos because I don't want people to see how wide I am.

It's not like anyone who knows me in real life thinks I'm of the super model world. Who am I fooling? Myself. And that's just about enough, thank you.

I WANT to stop cropping my photos. I WANT to stop shopping in the plus size department. I WANT to go out with my friends and stop wondering if my pants are hiked high enough to cover my roll and if my shirt is pulled down long enough to cover my pooch.
Yes. That's the reality I've been avoiding. I'm 287 lbs of living on the planet WHO ARE YOU FOOLING???

I wasn't going to post the number. But NOT posting the number has done what to help me thus far? Nothing. I need to get real.

And I need to be held accountable. I'm lucky enough to live with a great guy who loves me just the way I am. But it's certainly done nothing for my waistline.

This is the journey I face. And it's about time I do it with my eyes wide open.